WHAT CAN I DO?Helping a Loved One

Approach them in an understanding, non-blaming way. Tell them that they are not alone, that there are many people like them in the same kind of situation, and that it takes strength to survive and trust someone enough to talk about abuse.

Acknowledge that it is scary and difficult to talk about domestic violence. Tell them they don’t deserve to be threatened, hit, beaten, or belittled. Nothing they can do or say makes the abuser’s violence okay.

Here are some useful phrases you can use to show you care:

“I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“I believe you.”
“This is not your fault.”
“You aren’t alone. I’m here for you and I’m glad you told me.”

Share information. Show them the Warning Signs, Cycle of Violence, and/or Power and Control and Equality Wheels on pages 8-13 of the publication, When Violence Hits Home. Talk with them about how abuse is based on power and control.

Ask if they have suffered physical harm. Go with them to the hospital to check for injuries. Help them report the assault to the police, if they choose to do so.

Provide information on help available to victims of domestic violence and their children, including social services, emergency shelters, counseling services, and legal advice (see page 30 and following of the publication, When Violence Hits Home).

Inform them about legal protection that is available in most states under abuse prevention laws. Go with them to district, probate, or superior court to get a protective order to prevent further harassment by the abuser. If you can’t go, find someone who can.

Plan safe strategies for leaving an abusive relationship. These are often called “safety plans.” (see pages 22-23 of When Violence Hits Home for an example). If they plan it out before something big happens, they’ll be better prepared to respond in a way that’s safer for them and help them escape for good.

Never encourage someone to follow a safety plan that they believe will put them at further risk. And remember that they may not feel comfortable taking these materials with them.

Support them as a friend. Listen more than you speak. Encourage them to express their hurt and anger. Allow them to make their own decisions, even if it means they aren’t ready to leave the relationship.

Sometimes you don’t have to say much, or anything at all, to be there for someone. Just having someone who will listen can ease the burden of isolation, secrecy, and self-blame that keeps people in abusive relationships.

For any number of reasons, your friend may not want to report the abuse, or they may not feel like they can leave. In the end, it is their decision to make, not yours. Try not to make them feel like there’s something wrong with them because they don’t take your advice—that will only make them feel even worse about their situation and themselves. Helping them explore their feelings and decide on their best options, giving them the information they want or need, or just being there… sometimes this is the best you can do.